Thursday, February 22, 2007

Goodbye Grandma

Grandma had passed away on the 19th of February 2007 (2nd day of Chinese New Year) at 8.45 p.m. Grandma is a kind and cheerful woman, perhaps a bit childish at times (which make her cute). She would fill her plate of rice and bring it to the living room and sit in front of the TV, just like me. We sure know how to enjoy life.

Grandma take care of me for a while when I was very young, and I couldn’t quite recall if I treated her badly or not. But I guess we get along pretty alright, and now I recall it, she had always been a childish and cute grandma, while mom is the serious one. I only remember I won T-shirt through some contest, and she asks me to give her the T, but I didn’t. She shows me a childish disappointed face. Some scenes just seem to stick in my mind forever.

Grandma had gotten thinner as she grows older, but still in good health, just slightly more fragile. She came down to live with us for a while not that long ago, and I am glad she did. I don’t remembered spending much time with her, and the memory of me and her is pretty vague now. I can’t feel sad, because of the little memory we have together. Mom and sis are very sad about loosing her.

I shall miss her, my cute grandma.

The ceremony is pretty okay, with many friends and families come to help out (folding gold and silver paper). We have a chanting ceremony every night, ends with a good cup of coffee to put her to sleep. She is going to be cremated on this coming Friday, as it is her wish, and be celebrated with a music band (quite a cool grandma huh).

I wish her have peace, and be happy.

PS: With the first death of the people close to me, I am afraid someday I shall weep for someone dearest to me. May everyone I love be safe, healthy and happy.

Will you do a bit of evil, for the greater good?

Will you do a bit of evil, for the greater good?

Will you kill an innocent little girl, to save the world?

Will you save an evil man, who would kill millions in return?

Will you hold on to your conscience, or should you hold on to it?

Luckily, I don’t have to make such a decision, yet.

One thing is for sure: when you are asked to answer for your own action, you cannot say someone told you to, or the situation call for it. After all, it is you who choose your own action.

Remember which movie? Haha.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

One Shit Hole for Another

Haven’t we all feels like we are surrounded by shit holes and wanna get the hell out of there? We are troubled by too many problems and unhappiness that we must get out ASAP so that we can leave all the shits behind, and seek for happiness at another place, a new beginning, a new hope.

Personally, I think there is no escape. We either exchange one shit hole for another, or we will eventually accumulate new shit hole at the new place. Shit holes are problems which we hate or felt troubled by it, but life is full of obstacles. As long as we continue to live, there is basically no escape. There are tons and tons of new shit holes popping up everyday, though we might have covered tons of old shit hole ourselves.

We can try to run or hide, but we will eventually bump into another one or accumulate more ourselves.

No matter which family is it, which company is it, or which person is it, each got their own set of shit holes, and each might have their golden pools as well. Before we are involved with them, we only see the golden pools; once your are in, you’ll see the shit hole at every corner. Basically shit hole is everywhere, just a matter if you see them or not.

Though some shit hole is better than others, but sometimes it’s hard to do the comparison between 2 shit holes as well (finding the better from the worst is not exactly encouraging).

Then there are some optimists who say challenges are opportunities, so you could basically turn a shit hole into a golden pool.

Then some other optimists says the cup could be half full or half empty, so our life could be half full of shit, or half full of good things happening.

How are you going to feel the good is there is no bad? Can there be happiness without unhappiness? So good luck in covering most of your existing shit holes, before you get yourself into deep shit.

There is no nirvana on Earth, so try not to seek one; though you could try to create one.

This article feel so crappy, haha :) I think I am loosing grip on day to day life.

Monday, February 05, 2007

All will die eventually, but how many had lived?

“All will die eventually, but how many had lived?” is a phrase from Braveheart, rather than running away for the fear of losing our life (or something), isn’t it more meaningful to risk it and fight for something important, something life changing.

I know what death is all about, is where everything end (whether there is an afterlife is totally another matter). At least it is the end for the journey here on earth. Had I lived? Besides breathing and walking around, I at times do think had I really lived? How could I have lived? Is it about accomplishment of dreams? Is it about how much had I help others? Is it about how much good had I done? Is it about how satisfied I am? Some say life is a long journey of learning; some say it is another cycle to repay our debt; some say it’s to believe in God; some say it’s just a matter of breathing; some say it’s to fulfill a destiny. Another interesting thoughts: the learning and purpose of life lies within the journey, not the destination. So it isn’t really about what we had accomplished or what we try to accomplish, but how we did it?

Does it matter if I am a lawyer, a hawker, a businessman or a programmer? Where does my passion lies? Is it the choice of a profession, or how I carry out my profession, or how I carry my life? I like being a programmer, does it means that I will be a happy programmer? Would I be happier if I were to be a chef? Or it is all about how we are trying to be the things we choose to be.

How do we live? Trying to be what we choose to be, and be happy with it (since it’s our choice after all). What makes us unhappy? Doing the things we don’t like. Why would we do such thing? To make a living, sacrifices for bigger happiness in the end, or we can’t think of something better to do. Many idea and learning which I already know, but I keep on forgetting or unaware of how to apply them in time and properly.

I guess I had always set out a course, but I divert from my course at times, I stop at times, I got distracted at times, and I got on the wrong course, or I decide to change my course totally. Life is like one gigantic project, we need to have milestones and do a review from times to times. The essence of the project may not lies within the end, but how we actually do it in between.

Seek the light, as I always try to do. What is the real path, as I always ask myself. How should I live, as I always try to figure out. Rather than pondering on the mystery of life, I should really learn to go through life each day, ending it with satisfaction and much anticipation for the next to come by. Forget about whining, forget about fear, forget about escaping, and forget about uncertainty. It is all about what I should do now, at this moment, to make a better day for myself, and an even better tomorrow.

I ask myself, will this work? Am I picking a right path? I guess the answer to both the question shall be yes if I can put my heart out to make it work, rather than wondering about it.

One think is for sure, we can't never know for sure, we can only believe in it. Still more soul searching to come? I really don't know :| I think I have been thinking too much and doing too little, that's for sure.