Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Lost of someone not too close

Yesterday I heard my colleague Wynn was sobbing after lunch. When I stand up, she was already surrounded by a bunch of female colleagues. I found out later her boyfriend meet with an accident, and it is quite serious. Later I was pulled to a meeting, and she was gone when I was back.

Actually Wynn is more than a colleague, I knew her in college through another friend, Ting. They were my juniors. I meet with Wynn's boyfriend through several BBQ events, all held at Wynn's house. His name is Xiang; he is a quiet and playful chap. They have a very close relationship, and it seems like they would definitely get married when the time is right.

Somehow I feel his lost as though I feel it on behalf of Wynn. She is such a sunny girl, with all laughter and playfulness. I never quite see her in a sad mood, most of the time having that cheeky smile on her face and trying to bring goodies from her hometown to us. I am worry by loosing her boyfriend would take all her sunshine away from her. Somehow I felt her lost, as the same way I felt how close their relationship were. I feel like giving her strength and comfort, but I just dunno how. I am not sure what I can do for her now.

Last I heard is that her boyfriend had passed away. The news really makes me uneasy, but I am sure it is much worst for her. I am worry about her.

Take care, Wynn. I wish you well.

I want to believe every event had a purpose, but we mere mortal just cannot see the big picture. Or izzit this are all just random events.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Melaka Water City

Few weeks ago I went to Melaka Water City with my colleagues. Actually the place quite sucks with nothing much to do, but the most important part is the company and we do have great fun.


Jonker walk (can't quite find a nice site with good description and photo) is a nice and interesting place to shop (IMHO, it is better then Petaling Street). It had a lot of antiques and fabulous old style baba & nyonya design.

Jonker Walk

In an old style restaurant

Melaka Water City is just a few condominium/apartment surrounded by some water with a small a shallow pool. Nothing much, it has a tiny go-kart circuit with 2 workable kart.

Water City (don't be fooled by its view)

Pretty Gals

At night, it’s party time. Rathi bring it the alcohol supply, but she couldn't get the Tequila so she gets Jack Daniel instead. The guys play the "House of Torture game", chaired by Tang. Basically the looser have to be punished when you loose the card game. Punishments include using lipstick to draw you armpit, followed by using the same lipstick to draw your face, hehe. I was busy learning to play Mah Jung, so I don't get to use the smelly armpit lipstick (lucky me). Michelle is the first to vomit (too much JD shot as punishment), followed by Kenny when he went for second round of Vodka shot with Weng's gang.

Kenny Armpit Drawing

Kenny Ready to Vomit after too much Vodka

Since we have so much fun, Rathi is already started stocking the alcohol for our next event. She promises both JD and Tequila for the next trip.

Nothing much happen the next day. We went for breakfast and a few round of go-kart and head home. Nevertheless, the trip is quite enjoyable. I make a good video out of it, but I couldn't actually host it on Google Video due to Copyright issues with the music. Maybe I can find time to rip the music off, but then the video won't be that nice.

Mei Ru Go-Kart Pose (too cute to be real)

Me and Michelle


Travel Video

Monday, July 18, 2005

Immobilised Day

Last weekend I am having those immobilised day, where I have so much to do yet I can't do any. Perhaps I have reach my psychological limit and needed a rest for my soul and mind. Perhaps I am just in one of those bad mood day. Perhaps it is writer's block. My mind just go blank and I can't do anything or write any code. I just feel tired and don't feel like moving or using my brain. I just want to sleep or watch TV. My mind refuses to work.

I found that these kind of day happens once in a while, where I would feel lost and "immobilised". I might ponder about what I have been doing all these while, whether these are the right things I wanted. I will start to question my quest without coming to any conclusions. Am I doing the right thing?

Come to think of it, I should have really relaxed myself during weekend. I have been working on weekends for the past months and have not been getting sufficient sleep and rest on both weekdays and weekends. All these while I have been planning my work, perhaps I should have plan for my rest and relaxation as well. I am just a mere human who definitely need rest, before I burnt out or fall sick big time.

In the hunt for success & glory, we might forget about ourselves.

Friday, July 15, 2005

It is all about women and money

Recently I have a renewed interest with Miss Evil (finally I got her name right) again, as she seems to be giving me all the right signals. All the attention and smile and conversations do make me feel goods and tempted to start a new relationship with her. It had been almost 3 years since I broke up with my ex, and I have since focus my time and energy on my freelance work (I still have a day job) with hope that one day I will have my own software house. Being single for too long have me fully organise the schedule for my own leisure activity and work, and I am doubtful that I have time for a serious relationship at the moment.

I have been thinking about this for quite a while, and I am very sure I would put priority on my work to start a business. In other words, I won't be able to be self-sacrificial if we have a relationship at this moment. I feel that it is a bit unfair to her, and I would feel guilty about it. Personally I think one of the most important elements of relationship is to spend time with each other, and we should enjoy it (duh!) and understand each other better. Of course there would be compromise and tolerance, but it should be fair as well. I must be able and willing to perform my duty as her boyfriend, else it sort of beat the purpose.

I am still in a lot of deep thoughts and in quite a dilemma. I think she is a worthy girl which I quite like, and I shouldn't let go easily. Though I have not figured out the long-term plan, but probably I would ask her out for a date to spend some time to know her more before I rush into any serious decision. I think it would be suitable at this stage not to make any commitment (until I am ready for it), but just spent some casual time together and see what’s come out from it. Like Weng & Nike said, "Just do it!". Or at least, don't give up easily and give it some try.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Defensive am I?

When I was young, I was conditioned to "give in" whenever "challenging" scenario arises. Like when others challenge me for a fight, I should just ignore them. When people tease me, I shouldn't scold or punch them. When friends play a trick on me, I should just laugh it through. This concept has managed to keep me out of major conflict and trouble for the past 20 years (didn't even manage to get into a fight in school), but somehow I felt that something had eaten through my soul. Does it make me a pussy for not standing up to the challenge and defend myself? Why am I such a "conservative" for not taking "revenge" when people cross my line?

Maybe I was in a bad mood period due to lack of sleep (or male PMS); I become a bit responsive spontaneously. For starter, when Mei Ru drop some chillies into my food, I pour chillies into her drink. I was actually surprised by my own action. When Wynn continuously knocking my water bottle while I was pouring some water into my cup, I poured the water towards her. Whenever I took some action, I do feel good and bad at the same time. Good in the sense that I really did response, to let go some steam so that I won't end up as a perverted serial killer one day. Bad in these that I might have offended them, plus it is always don't look good for a guy to "bully" a girl. But let's just stick to the Newton Lay, "Every action has an equal opposite reaction". I am just keeping the force in balance.

My colleagues and I went to the Melaka Water City trip last weekend. On our way back, Tang keep rocking my chair as she wants me and Kenny to switch places Mei Ru and Michelle so that they could play some cards. Somehow, I just doesn't feel like moving, and she keeps rocking my chair. I told her why not you move towards Mei Ru and Michelle's place by changing place with Chim and Hisham, or William (he is sitting alone). Somehow, she doesn't feel like moving as well. It seems reasonable to me, as you are the one who wanted to have fun thus you should make the effort based on the suggested alternative solution. Hey, not everyone act logically and sensibly all the time. So, she kept rocking my chair. Since I can't actually rock her chair back (I am sitting in front), I turn back and threaten to jump on her if she kept doing that. Tang is a hard-headed person who usually don't give in to threat, so she counter-challenge me instead. At the moment, I felt compelled to execute my challenge, for the sake of my manhood or my soul, or just because I don't wanna be Mr. Nice Pussy Guy and give in anymore. At the same time, I am afraid I might hurt her and seems un-gentleman. Khim break some jokes at the right time and we just take this opportunity to forget about the challenge.

I ask myself, am I doing the right thing? Should I just be a gentleman and let them have my seats at the first place, and it would make me look good and everyone is happy. Why am I so stubborn and don't want to budge? Probably I am just as hard-headed as Tang is. Is it because she didn't ask properly and sounded more like a command than a request? Maybe. Is it because I am tired and in a "hibernate" mode? Maybe. Would this get me into trouble one day? Maybe. Would this be better for me and make me happier? I really don't know. I do feel a bit guilty for my action, but I do need to stand up so that I don't feel suppressed in the long run. Probably there is a better way to do this. Maybe there are words that are more effective in defending myself. Am I being defensive? Probably it is, but is it a bad thing? I do feel something is wrong, either my action or my thoughts. I just can't figure it out yet. Maybe I am side tracking to the dark side, as Fear lead to hate, Hate leads to anger, Anger lead to suffering. There is a chance I might be too self-centred, where I should be more open minded and forgiving. I think our objective might not be just making ourselves happy, but to make people around us happy. Only through others' happiness shall we fell our own happiness (sounds deep, but it might actually work this way). Just like parents loving their children and making them happy, which in return would make them a happy parents based on their children's success and happiness.

At the same time, I felt that the gap between Tang and me is growing. Though I always have debate with Kenny in almost any topic, but I think the conversation is fair and interesting, and there is no gap in our relationship as friends. With Tang it is very different, as she had a very strong like and dislike and I can't actually engage in a fair conversation with her. Maybe Tang and I are both hard-headed, while Kenny do stand strong on his view but he is still logical and not actually stubborn. Is anyone of us actually going towards the dark side? No one, I hope.