Monday, July 04, 2005

Defensive am I?

When I was young, I was conditioned to "give in" whenever "challenging" scenario arises. Like when others challenge me for a fight, I should just ignore them. When people tease me, I shouldn't scold or punch them. When friends play a trick on me, I should just laugh it through. This concept has managed to keep me out of major conflict and trouble for the past 20 years (didn't even manage to get into a fight in school), but somehow I felt that something had eaten through my soul. Does it make me a pussy for not standing up to the challenge and defend myself? Why am I such a "conservative" for not taking "revenge" when people cross my line?

Maybe I was in a bad mood period due to lack of sleep (or male PMS); I become a bit responsive spontaneously. For starter, when Mei Ru drop some chillies into my food, I pour chillies into her drink. I was actually surprised by my own action. When Wynn continuously knocking my water bottle while I was pouring some water into my cup, I poured the water towards her. Whenever I took some action, I do feel good and bad at the same time. Good in the sense that I really did response, to let go some steam so that I won't end up as a perverted serial killer one day. Bad in these that I might have offended them, plus it is always don't look good for a guy to "bully" a girl. But let's just stick to the Newton Lay, "Every action has an equal opposite reaction". I am just keeping the force in balance.

My colleagues and I went to the Melaka Water City trip last weekend. On our way back, Tang keep rocking my chair as she wants me and Kenny to switch places Mei Ru and Michelle so that they could play some cards. Somehow, I just doesn't feel like moving, and she keeps rocking my chair. I told her why not you move towards Mei Ru and Michelle's place by changing place with Chim and Hisham, or William (he is sitting alone). Somehow, she doesn't feel like moving as well. It seems reasonable to me, as you are the one who wanted to have fun thus you should make the effort based on the suggested alternative solution. Hey, not everyone act logically and sensibly all the time. So, she kept rocking my chair. Since I can't actually rock her chair back (I am sitting in front), I turn back and threaten to jump on her if she kept doing that. Tang is a hard-headed person who usually don't give in to threat, so she counter-challenge me instead. At the moment, I felt compelled to execute my challenge, for the sake of my manhood or my soul, or just because I don't wanna be Mr. Nice Pussy Guy and give in anymore. At the same time, I am afraid I might hurt her and seems un-gentleman. Khim break some jokes at the right time and we just take this opportunity to forget about the challenge.

I ask myself, am I doing the right thing? Should I just be a gentleman and let them have my seats at the first place, and it would make me look good and everyone is happy. Why am I so stubborn and don't want to budge? Probably I am just as hard-headed as Tang is. Is it because she didn't ask properly and sounded more like a command than a request? Maybe. Is it because I am tired and in a "hibernate" mode? Maybe. Would this get me into trouble one day? Maybe. Would this be better for me and make me happier? I really don't know. I do feel a bit guilty for my action, but I do need to stand up so that I don't feel suppressed in the long run. Probably there is a better way to do this. Maybe there are words that are more effective in defending myself. Am I being defensive? Probably it is, but is it a bad thing? I do feel something is wrong, either my action or my thoughts. I just can't figure it out yet. Maybe I am side tracking to the dark side, as Fear lead to hate, Hate leads to anger, Anger lead to suffering. There is a chance I might be too self-centred, where I should be more open minded and forgiving. I think our objective might not be just making ourselves happy, but to make people around us happy. Only through others' happiness shall we fell our own happiness (sounds deep, but it might actually work this way). Just like parents loving their children and making them happy, which in return would make them a happy parents based on their children's success and happiness.

At the same time, I felt that the gap between Tang and me is growing. Though I always have debate with Kenny in almost any topic, but I think the conversation is fair and interesting, and there is no gap in our relationship as friends. With Tang it is very different, as she had a very strong like and dislike and I can't actually engage in a fair conversation with her. Maybe Tang and I are both hard-headed, while Kenny do stand strong on his view but he is still logical and not actually stubborn. Is anyone of us actually going towards the dark side? No one, I hope.

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