Saturday, September 09, 2006

Ponder: What am I doing?

With so many things happening in our lives, haven’t we many times wondered what are we doing? Or rather, what are we supposed to do?

I didn’t ponder upon this question very much when I was young. The one thing which seems to troubled me the most is my studies, and I seems to manage that pretty well (though I have some unaccomplished finishing, but that does really matter, but it did bothers me at times). Sometimes I did think of what I want to be when I grow up, in terms of career of course. I thought of policeman, soldier, businessman, astronaut, scientist and I think my last one is computer expert, and here I am as a programmer.

After following the conventional route to finish college and get into employment, perhaps I wanted to do something fun and useful, never quite thought of making a living. I did get to do something fun and exciting, and troubling as well. But somehow I am unsatisfied with the pay and the bureaucracy which is taking place in the office. Perhaps this world would be better without lousy and irritating managers.

Then I though of perhaps it’s time to be a young entrepreneur, start a business and getting rich all that. But I guess I wasn’t well prepared for that, and had no idea what is installed for me ahead. Perhaps I need to understand the business world more, thus I get back to employment and hoping to learn a trick or two about running a successful software house. Sadly the company I joined isn’t pretty as well in the end. Perhaps the only think good about it is the colleagues in there, but the leadership sucks with no vision and management whatsoever.

Again, I though I can do much better than all those suckers out there. I had an idea or two in my head, and start executing them. What am I trying to accomplish? At the moment, I just wanna flush all the idea out of my head into execution, to know once and for all that will they work, or am I really as good as I thought I am. Though I am earning far less now, and perhaps worry at times, but I am somehow happy at times. Perhaps I had only been this happy in terms of work in the 1st year of my 1st job. I guess I had never been this satisfied and happy ever since. Perhaps my only worry at the moment is how to make a living out of doing what I am doing now.

Again, what am I trying to do at the moment? I am trying to make a living out of doing what I like and the way I like it, and hopefully I would not need to worry about money in the near future. I like the work I am doing now, and I do hope for financial freedom as well, so that I can have an easy lifestyle and helps those around me as well (worry less about money, so to speak). Perhaps in order to make “Money is not everything” meaningful, you need to have a lot of them.

So, what am I supposed to do? Beats me. I guess there shouldn’t be any supposed, just what had I chosen to do, based on my condition, knowledge, awareness and exercising my freewill whenever possible. I had only been through 27 years of my life, and there should be a lot going on in the near future.

Besides work, now I have a girlfriend, which I feel very happy and lucky. Perhaps in life, happiness does come in small packages. If it had always been there obvious, everyone would have gotten it. If it had been that hard, everyone would not find love and happiness. At times we really happy to slow down and ponder for a while, take life as it is before getting busy chasing our dream and ambition again. Though I yearn to achieve my ideal career and lifestyle, I want to bring her happiness as well. So I should always make time for her, and not to mention learn to get along as well. Perhaps there really should be any selfishness in love, or in a pure relationship. We want them to be in good shape, and we don’t mind sacrificing slightly (I am not so sure about big sacrifices, as I haven’t faced that yet). Perhaps is like the love of parents for their children.

Again, for a better tomorrow :)

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