Friday, December 12, 2008

Missing Life

Tonight I am trying my futile attempt to ask myself a simple question: There is something not quite right, and I need to know what is it.

Yes, I am happy at this moment at this time. Of course I have my concerns and worries, but I don’t feel like the sky is falling anytime soon.

But that’s the problem with me, I don’t think just about here and now, as I tend to think about the future. Thinking about the future worries me, while living my life today makes me slightly happier.

Being a logical person and sort of a planner, and given the way I was brought up; I can’t help but to plan for future: to save money and to make sure I earn more by the day. I would feel guilty if I didn’t do anything to secure the future of myself and the one I love. But at the same time, I have this urge to let go and live life as freely as I could. I guess I am balancing in between both needs at this moment in time, thus I felt okay but not quite there yet.

I guess that I am not truly free yet. I think money could buy me freedom, but yet I don’t want to loose my freedom in order to make money.

I know there is more meaning to life, but yet I haven’t learned how to live a life yet.

Simply said, God created us for a purpose on Earth, and I am wired to live that purpose. I guess if I feel sad or dissatisfied, I might have derailed from my purpose here. To realize my purpose here, I really need to let go and see the world with my true eyes and true self.

I believe I am trapped in someway and somehow, and I desperately need to release myself to learn about this world and myself once again.

If only I can take one step back away from the world, I might be able to see it clearly. The monk said we need to let go of all things material in this world, and perhaps then only we can see the livelihood in it.

I know something is missing, something which I might take a lifetime to find.

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