No matter how hard I try to shake off who I was, I found that it is very hard to certain characteristics to leave me. I will not be a big risk taker, I’ll yearn for freedom and I had learnt about the need to make gradual changes in life. I can no longer accept things as it is, because I realize there is always a way to make a change (as long as there is a will).
Career is a big part of my life, as it dictates how I spent most of my time, whether I will be happy and influence the quality and comfort of my life. Theoretically, I should be a good employee until I retired, but that didn’t happened. Perhaps I was influenced by my brother’s idea of the need to start a business (which he didn’t try at the end), or I didn’t found a corporation I could rely on, or perhaps I know that there might be little freedom and happiness in employment.
I have many friends that went south to Singapore to earn “bigger money”. I used to think this could be a good idea, but the money isn’t really “bigger” unless I returned to Malaysia. Besides, life in Singapore could be quite boring (though more systematic). Sometimes I envy those who could work in MNC or being transferred oversea, as they have a fatter salary and better qualify of life (in a better country). Perhaps I am not fated with this kind of job, or I didn’t put in enough sweat and time to get this kind of job. Perhaps I wanted freedom more than money, that’s why I am where I am now. That's why I no longer yearn setting up my own company or to be a millionaire.
I wanted to travel to other country, but my last plan for UK Holiday Maker didn’t work out. I wanted to travel for 6 months to a year, but somehow there is something which I cannot let go. It’s still about work and money. Theoretically I won’t need too much money to survive, unless I plan to start a family (which requires a whole lot of money and commitment). So I either need to make a whole load of money now, and have a stable passive income stream, which neither had happened yet. So I could either wait until I am “rich”, or just let go and execute the dream.
What does my heart tell me? This is confusing. I wanted to fly, yet I still wanted to secure my financial. 3 ways to achieve it, either I earn more, or I spend less, or I move and live in a 3rd world country (not very feasible if I plan to have children huh). While I am travelling, I found only 2 types of people could really have their freedom: the young ones without their own family, and the old ones who had retired.
While Mei Ru and I went diving in Sipadan, we meet a Japanese girl named Kayo. She was born in Japan, study in US, work in Japan, then study and work in China and Hong Kong, and now is a Diving Instructor in Sipadan. I envy her colorful life, and also her courage and her desire for travel and adventure. Why I didn’t do that when I was younger? Because I didn’t felt the need for freedom nor travel, I was thinking more of career and work.
This realization or “enlightenment” came to me while I was older, and I kind of forgotten what triggered it. Perhaps all started when we went to Taman Negara and decide to conquer Mount Kinabalu, maybe strengthen by my trip to Chiang Mai and Nepal. My “floodgate” and desire for freedom and travel are opened, and the desire needs to be filled.
Now I am at the crossroad again. How can I balance things, or there is no choice but to go for one extreme only. What is the right way to live my life, or rather how to follow and listen to my heart? Or rather, how can I have a satisfied and fulfilling life?
And the journey continues … (I know the answer is not going to popup by pondering here).