Perhaps it is a discipline or procrastination problem, or izzit because I am a perfectionist? I guess there is always up and down in life, we can’t be expected to be good or productive all the time. More importantly, I am trying to find the balance line whether I am pushing myself too hard, or giving myself too much excuses to be lazy. I am afraid that the later might hold more truth.
Anyway, lately I realized a few things
- I think I had somehow subconsciously burnt the bridges to go back to employment life. 1st of all, my cousin had invested heavily in The Skill Academy and somehow expect me to help her run the IT Department, and I can’t quite do that under employment and I wouldn't want to disappoint her. 2nd of all, I found it is hard to sell myself as a good employer at my current state (I am not sure what I am good at? It seems like running a business had made me a more valuable overall, but not great at any specific task). 3rd of all, I think I had too used to the flexibility and innovation opportunities I enjoyed.
- I realized that freelancing is not really my passion, but more as a means to put food on my plate. What is my passion then? Trying out new ideas for my venture, Malaysia Most Wanted. It holds a lot of excitement and promise for me. It had potential, and manages to spark the moment of joy in me.
- Though I do teach children nowadays, but I think I am not passionate about it. I can do an averagely good job, but not a great job. It doesn’t excite me nor sparks a lot of idea in me. I fail to be creative or felt the excitement in it.
- I still didn’t manage my time and procrastination very well. Besides I was never quite a person with great discipline, need to find ways to work around it.
- Last but not least, I need to work with a team (part-time will do as well). Working as a lone ranger is pretty demoralizing at times, while having a team member have creates more accountability and get the job done is a timely and fun manner.
- And also, izzit possible that I am a good programmer with crappy business idea? I mean, I did fail at 2 Cradle applications, and I know of people who are suckier than me or with lousier business idea manage to get the money (though their project didn’t take off as well). The point which might be hard to gulp, but definitely demoralizing to be pondered upon.