Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Sea of Change, for Better or Worst, is our own Prophecy

It had been almost 3 weeks since I left my job, and I had been bumping around the house ever since. I wish I could, but my heart just wouldn’t let me.

I think I am too damn serious about working and feeling useful, or wanting a sense of security. Remember the days where I was a college student, I never bothered about work. I would feel happy if I have lots of free time in hand, where I would play lots of computer games, go hangout with friends, go to the comic store or just laze around the room. Somehow, part of me start to change when I enter the work force. Somehow, I feel responsible (towards something). Or perhaps, I feel the urge to continue generating income (for whatever reasons). Somehow, I think I am feeling anxiety for not working. Perhaps I feel like contributing and being useful in a very stereotype manner (I had been brain washed all my life!).

When I start working for myself, I don’t feel quite comfortable with a lot of unknown worries and tensions within me. Perhaps it is the change of environment, a change to a much financially riskier and lonely environment. I feel the urge to keep working, finding myself most of the time fail to relax and cool down a bit. I am taking this venture a bit too serious, where every moment on how I spent my time counts. I am loosing the enjoyment of life. I think this situation is very bad for me. I ask myself, why I am feeling so serious and tension about?

Is it about the money? I don’t think so, as I have sufficient savings to survive for quite a while.

Is it about the social environment? When I start working for myself, I don’t get to see a lot of people everyday (no more colleagues). Perhaps it had something to do with it, but I don’t think this is the main reason. Sometimes loneliness does strike me, giving me ample time to think of all sort of stuffs.

Is it about employment? Perhaps I am used to employment life, where I have a fix monthly income no matter how I perform for my work. I even get paid if I am lazy, and I am happy about it. When I am the boss, things changed, being lazy means being cruel to myself. Perhaps I am way too serious in this matter.

Is it about success? Is it because success had been long overdue, that I have to prove to myself that I can do it, because I believe I have the potential to make it. Perhaps I am being overly ambitious, as success does take time and perseverance to be reached. I should really learn to let go, focus on doing a good job on my work, and take life a bit on the lighter side.

Perhaps it is just a shock of change, as I am still not used to or comfortable with my current lifestyle. I believe it is a hard and painful path, but not necessarily it had to be that harsh. Work hard, and play hard. I should work very hard during the day, and relax myself during the night. I should go out and party during the weekend, too bad I don’t have much dates in hand.

What can I do to make things better? Focus on my work and get the job done. If I did a good job, I think I would get some sense of relief. Perhaps I should socialize more and find more fun stuff to do during the weekends. Thinking of getting a girlfriend, but somehow things are more complicated than it seems. Perhaps I had grown more complicated, not necessarily for the worst I hope. Like my sister used to say, “I rather don’t have any if I can’t find someone who suites me and make both of us happy”.


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