Uneasy Feelings

For the past days (or probably week), I had been strike with the feelings of uneasiness. I just don’t feel comfortable, sometimes having faster heartbeat and worrying feelings. I usually have this when there are too much to think about, or rather, too many unfinished business. Sometimes I tell myself; probably I inherit this tread genetically as well. When I was young, I always wonder why my father is such a worrisome person. He worries a lot, and always advice against everything that might have a small risk of bringing harm to me, be it psychological or physical. He worries when I skate, when I go for camping or trip, when I come home late, when I went for studies in KL, when I quit my job, when I start my business and a lot more. I can actually see the worries on his face clearly, physically, with all the twisted wrinkles and eyebrows. I will always be the cool one to ask him not to worry too much, saying I can take care of myself.

I still remember my brother always says that my father is a “cowardly” person, who don’t dare to take risk. According to him, fortune favours the bold and dad can't be rich. At that moment, I do agree with his thoughts as it sounds logical, but I didn't bother too much about it. Though I want to get rich as well, but I am not determined. My brother says he will become a millionaire by 30, and this year he is already 31 and no where near the target. From what I can see, he sort of inherited the very tread which he dislikes. He has a "better safe than sorry" style, and definitely not a risk taker. For that reason, he never become a businessman, at least didn't even try to be one before. I am currently 26, and I have the same dream of becoming a millionaire by 30 as well. I carry the same tread, which carry the symptom of uneasy feelings of me today. I face a lot psychological barrier and pressure whenever I try to achieve a lot with many things in hand and mind. I start to understand my father's behaviour more now, and I am thankful of what he had offered me. If he had done all the risk taking, there would be nothing for me to do now except spending his money :)

I think I was first struck with anxiety a few years ago when I try to venture into starting my own business. I am not sure is it really anxiety, but I'll assume it is as I feel worrisome, mentally paralysed without the ability to work, fasten heartbeat with heavy breathing and extremely uneasy at all times for various matter. Sometimes when it started, it would take weeks or months to fully recover. Thus I need to learn to take one small step at a time, where I know I don’t quite belong to the fast lane. There are many ways to achieve the same things; I need a path where I am comfortable with. I can live with slower progress, but I can't tolerate with no progress. Sometimes I overstep a few steps, bringing upon myself more worries and pressure which I have to learn to handle them. I get agitated easily by small matters, or matters which I could not comprehend. Though I had improved a lot, but the lessons are far from over.

The things that caused my uneasy feelings usually consist of many things, both big and small. Though I don't know exactly what the actual causes are, but I can make the following guesses

• About quitting my job. No matter how many times I try to reaffirm my decisions, I will keep worrying about it until it is over.
• Starting of new business. Though I have many plans, but there is simply no guarantee. There is risk, and as human we can only plan and pray hard it get executed properly. The rest is really out of my control. At the same time, I felt uneasy as well for not starting yet. Too many plans, too little execution.
• My freelance work. I have many backlogs, which kinda bothered me from times to times. I feel uneasy with unfinished business.
• About Tang's birthday present. I felt that she had been a very good friend to me, and I should do something for her birthday this year, something extra. I had thought of giving her a very specific gift, but it kinda require quite a sequence of steps (Complicated. How complicated can buying gift be?!!!!) Then I thought of something nice, simple and affordable. But unexecuted plan always worry me.
• What else? Blogging. It is really fun blogging, but at the same time it is really taking up a lot of time. This is really quite a difficult situation dealing with blog addiction.
• The Skill Academy. I am sort of worry about my commitment with my cousin as well, as I am required to come up with the ICT syllabus for the children at the moment, which I expect would be quite time consuming (time is a limited commodity at the moment). Websites, brochures, presentation materials, dealing with kids, arghh!!!
• Fun or Money? Sometimes I feel like taking on some projects which bring more fun than money, and the problem is I only have a limited finite time. Can't get the best of both worlds! Make the god damn decision, you MORON!
• Ambition vs. Relationship. Though I spent quite a lot of time in my work and ambition, and perhaps some pet projects, I do worry about my relationship health level. If I continue to be like this, I would probably end up as a lonely dirty old man.
• And for some reason, I am worry for a person as well.

Wow! That's quite a long list, never actually counted that I have so many worries. "Bulked up man! You need to tackle all these one by one when the times come". Give me strength, as I sure need lots of them at this moment. I remembered from Good to Great, where one of things to learn is Confront The Brutal Fact. I need to know and understand my problems (acknowledge the root of evil), before I can cure them. I am glad that I blog about this, as I am already feeling a little bit better.