Sunday, October 16, 2005

I am a Flower-Heart Carrot (花心萝卜)

By Mei Ru's definition, I am a Flower-Heart Carrot 花心萝卜 (someone who likes people easily, probably liking many of them at the same time and might be labelled as "unfaithful" as well). Compared to the level of dedication and commitment given by her boyfriend, you could probably label me as a "flirt" and an unserious person (too far away from him man!). I think I am not, perhaps too much of a serious person who is learning to take care of relationships.

I am single, and it is only naturally of me on the constant lookout for a potential gf. And at any point in time, we would probably like or have feelings for more than one person. I don't find this to be a problem as I am still single, didn't harm or hurt anyone and most important of all, didn't give commitment or promises to anyone of them. They are just people which I like, which I usually keep them in my heart, and perhaps sometimes I told them how I felt. Not all affection and "declaration of like (love is a bit heavy for me at this stage)" will end up to my favour as well. But I do believe when I am in a relationship, I should really take care of the feelings of my other half, and just treat everyone else I like as friends (no thinking further than that, no more analysis). There could be only one to be loved as gf/wife (only one spot), the others will be parents, siblings and friends.

How do I get labelled as "Flower-Heart Carrot"? Probably because I speak too much truth, or have shared too much with close friends. I remember when I was young, I was very shy and don't dare to share my affections and feelings with anyone else. I have problem admitting that I like them. Though now I still considered myself as a shy person, but I tried to "improve" myself. Whenever close friends asked me who I actually like, I usually would tell them the truth slowly, because I don't want to include lies (or at least, withholding of truth). I want to let them understand me, and perhaps criticise me and feel at ease talking to me. I don't want to spent time holding back the truth, making the friendship less sincere and even become more difficult to be truthful in the future. If the one asking is someone I like, I would slowly try to convey my feelings to her directly or indirectly as well. Of cause, these only apply to very close friends (not for everyone). I assume in this world, we human do always end up liking more than one person at a time, just that some of them end up as our partner, some as friends, and some never knows (in our heart only). What makes me different from them? I just don't want to keep everything in my hearts, thus I don't mind sharing some of it. The only difference is I talk about it, while most of the others don't (but the internal feelings are probably still the same). If they don't talk about it, it doesn't means they don't like someone else (just that no one knows besides themselves). If my future girlfriend know of my blog and read about Dream Girls, Ah Fun Jai and some other similar articles, I will be damned. Somehow it might make me seems like not a good potential boyfriend, for admitting my liking for others easily. But if she is someone who read it and understand me better yet still accept me, then she is really someone really special. I am trying to be as open and as truthful as I could, as carrying too much secrets in my heart is quite a heavy load. I hope I am right.

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